A life full of meanings which are meaningless

There's something about today that makes everything feel so right and yet... so wrong. I do not understand this. What's missing? What's too much? :S
Have you ever encountered the feeling where you're facing a major difficulty that you don't know how to handle and you have noone to turn to but yourself?
I'm not sure that's what I'm feeling but somehow that's partially the resemblance of how I feel. If only I could exterminate this feeling away. Sometimes, I feel so alone and forlorn eventhough I'm already in a commited relationship. But I just have to get rid of that feeling away. I have to deny every single feeling in order to prevent myself from getting hurt and being the one to hurt others who doesn't deserve to be hurt.
I need time to adjust. But time isn't always there for me either. I've been so caught up with other things and left with no time to spare. All I have left is the past to learn from which is good enough for me to go through day by day. It's karma. I deserve this. If only there was a better punishment than this.
My mind often feels... unsettled. During times where I should be concentrating, I'll end up having my mind in another field of unpredictable wonders whereby I really should pull myself together because it's kind of a bother to others as well as it is to me.
It's late. My wrist is hurting from the badminton racket accident, my chest is in pain, my whole body is aching and my ankle accident. If I can make through all this physical pain which hurts me so much, why can't I easily make through emotional pain? There you go. Another set of wonders.
Everything just leaves me wondering without giving me any hints to think of. I'm so full of shit. What am I to do? Nothing but wait for the next one to arrive. I haven't been able to think well enough lately. It's so disturbing.
I've involved myself in a lot of unnecessary predicaments. Why can't I just stay away from trouble? Even I don't know why I keep on questioning myself. It can be such a bother at times. Some part of my day today filled my sunshine with gloom. :/
Why oh why can't I keep these problems to myself and still can go through a day being cheerful, happy and all. Why does it all make me feel so down? I came across random people and asked for their opinions. I asked them what they thought of me from the very first sight. And they said, " First impression, you look really stressed out. That's why I don't find you that friendly and approachable." "You need to lighten up and smile a little bit. Don't be so gloomy all the time." "How come you often look tired? It's like as if you've been restless."
I only reacted with a sigh after listening to their response. What is wrong with me? I'm unbelievable. Too unbelievable.
My life didn't used to be this way. And it's hurting me so badly because I'm an idiot who can't seem to figure out and understand herself. Lack of self-understanding leads to lack in other people's understanding as well, from what I've observed. When people asked me what's wrong, all I answered was "Nothing." But behind their backs, I said to myself "Everything." and kept it in mind.
You know, I start to realize. When it comes to doing good things, I become a pessimist. And when it comes to doing bad and inappropriate things, I become an optimist. Why is it the other way round? Why can't it be the way it should be? So that I am able to emphasize and think of the good parts of a situationrather than the bad part. I guess it's caused from my disbelief that good things will happen in the future.
I'm lack of everything. Including my vitality towards everything and everyone's trust which leaves me as the worthless piece of shit that noone wants to approach.
Each day, all I can do is ignore all that and go through everything without even having the intention to argue with it. It's a feeling I have to let go eventhough it kills me to let it stay.
I don't believe in miracles. Why bother? All's left is me and this fake smile of mine pretending that everything's alright when it really isn't.
Oh well, it's nearly 5 am. I'm off to bed. Will update more soon. Bye.